“People walk around trying to make others lose their minds
Be careful you don’t lose yours”
Ms. Aretha Franklin
You give me something, make me fall in love with it in one moment and then take it away the next. This is a form of manipulation. This is breaking someone’s spirit into obedience and compliance. For that person will be left perplexed as to why you are taking what you gave them away. For manipulators never give a logical reason why they do what they do. Pulling at your heartstrings as if they are the strings of a puppet. The most common manipulator is the narcissist.
In response you have the power to either play or walk away. Manipulators know precisely who to pick out to manipulate. For they seek people out with a low self-esteem. People with a low self-esteem are at a higher risk to go to extremes just to keep a manipulative person happy. Also a person with a low self-esteem is more likely to not set clear boundaries. For they have no boundaries in fear that what they are asking for is “too much” and that the other person might walk away. Let them walk away, for this will make room for a person that is most likely to find your boundaries healthy and realistic.
Trying to keep a narcissist happy is similar to touching lava and hoping it will not burn you! For narcissist battle with their own feeling of unworthiness and insecurities, but the way they choose to compensate is by having control over other people and making themselves the center of that person’s world! Yet it is a vicious cycle. For manipulators have no boundaries on what they will ask you to do. They will push the other person to inhumane extremes.
How do you find out that you might be dealing with a narcissist/ manipulative person? These are the signs:
- Overly generous behavior (when you just met the person)
- Guilt trip and shame
- Different personality behind closed doors
- Controlling your behavior and thoughts = gaslighting
- Isolation (from friends and family members)
When you have just met an undercover narcissist/ manipulative person you will never know. For they are great charmers! They know exactly what to say to get close to you! The first sign that you might be dealing with a narcissist is how generous they are with their time and money. They always want to spend time with you and showers you with gifts and food. It will soon reach a point that they want to be with you all the time within 2 weeks of meeting you. One of the symptoms you might feel is that you are completely drained and you will not know why. The manipulator’s ask a lot of energy from you.
The moment you ask for a little space, there is a chance that they will throw a tantrum. All of the sudden that same sweet person, switches and becomes this whole other person you have never met before! Their tactic is to make you feel guilty for pulling away and not wanting to spend every second with them. Soon after they will try to shame you and try to convince you that you are ungrateful for everything they have done for you. This is your moment to run far away from the manipulator or cave and give them a greater grasp on you.
If you choose to sooth the narcissist by giving them what they want, their tantrum will be over immediately. This will be their standard tactic to get you to do what they say.
As time goes by a pattern will appear. In public the manipulator will seem as if the most perfect human being in the world, but behind closed doors will transform into a whole other person. Manipulators have a natural master’s degree in gaslighting. Gaslighting is when you make another person question their own sanity and perception. For example you are looking at a tree and the manipulator will convince you that the leaves are not green, but blue. Often time using force and an aggressive tone!
There are 3 types of manipulators that I distinguish:
- Type 1: physical abuse
- Type 2: mental abuse
- Type 3: combination of type 1 & 2
How to heal the subconscious wounds that keeps attracting a manipulator/ narcissist towards you?
- attachment styles
- Healing inner child
- Grow into a higher self-worth
Attachment styles are developed at a young age. They set the tone on how you will approach and be approached by people of the male and female gender. The first people that help you form your attachment style are your parents. Reflect on the relationship you have with your parents. This will reveal a lot about how you interact with other people and also give you insight were wounds might exist and are in need of healing to altar your attachment style.
As a child I thought adults really knew what they were doing. Well that’s until I became an adult myself and still don’t know what I am exactly doing. All I know is that I strive to leave this world in a better shape, than I found it! Today I take it easy on my parents, for I know that they were doing the best they knew how. All I know is that my own parents are someone’s child, that too have their own wounds that they never knew how to heal. For they grew up in a time that feeling their feelings was seen as a luxury. The generations before us were so stuck in survival mode that they did what needed to be done to ensure that the bloodline would survive. So today I honor my ancestors by healing, for healing my own wounds, I heal their wounds too! This is how you clear your bloodline from all trauma from wars, genocide, slavery and oppression. You are the key to the freedom that the generations before you wished they could get! Keep building!
Healing the inner child
Healing your inner child you will come across 2 categories: the sun child and the shadow child. The sun child has a healthy attachment style and the shadow child is the child that has been overly criticized, made small, compared to others and deprived of affection & love. In the upcoming blogs I will dive deeper into healing your inner child. In this moment you can start by reflecting on your childhood. Ask yourself the following questions:
What is the feeling I get when I think about my childhood? How was my relationship with my dad? How was my relationship with my mom? What was a really painful experience in my childhood? What was a wonderful experience in my childhood?
We are living in a world that promotes self-empowerment, speaking your truth and standing up for yourself. Yet the moment you become a living and breathing human embodiment of all these aspects, the same world will try to tear you down by calling you a bitch, bossy, an asshole and 'really demanding'. The list goes on. This can leave your self-worth in a deplorable state. You shake it off, but the moment you interact with other people, have a relationship or friendship, those mean words that other people have tried to convince you that you are, will pop up in the form of insecurities.
It’s funny how people that barely know you, try to teach you, about yourself. The sad part is when we believe them! People that are trapped in their own misery and struggle will always try to tear you down. Especially when they see you growing and shining. When it comes to manipulators and narcissists, their tactic is to try to break you. A person that is anchored in their own worth, can’t be controlled and broken.
Ways that you can grow in to a higher self-worth is by honoring yourself.
How do you honor yourself?
- Keep promises to yourself
- Don’t rush or be rushed (being rushed you will make the decision that is best for others and not for yourself)
- Pamper yourself (cook your favorite meal, invest in a self-care routine and stick to it)
- Be kind and patient with yourself. Your mind, body and soul have gotten you through all of this life! Say thank you to them and remember you are still learning and growing.
- Set clear boundaries and don't change them. For changing them will make the other person happy, while you will be hurting yourself.
This world has convinced us that everyone else has the recipe to our greatness. Everyone except yourself. I am here as a friendly reminder that your soul knows the blueprint to your greatness. Your intuition is here to guide you, listen closely! For what you seek in this world, is already inside of you!